Last thing Sunday evening and I feel as though once again the weekend has passed me by with little substance or meaning, not even enough to at least get my brain working on an idea or something new and exciting. On a more positive thought not every living moment has to be filled with excitement and brain puzzles to last all afternoon, if I was to focus on what did happen this weekend it might actually give me more closure and seem as though events did actually occur and that I didn’t spend every moment pondering how to fill the next sudden pause.
This is what I shall do, looking from a different angle, another perspective after all life is just a point of view and it’s how you sell it that makes all the difference. For instance I could have sat in all day Saturday with barely anything to do but drink tea and twiddle my thumbs over the daily paper watching as others ‘enjoyed’ themselves. But in actual fact what if I said that I had some down time to think about the future, be creative and spend time with family, now doesn’t that sound more appealing already? OK I might get a couple of ‘ha gaaaay’ comments from some people stood in the corner, notice I said in the corner there’s a reason you’re stood there. On the other hand that really doesn’t matter what I did was make the most of the time that I had even if this did mean that I did nothing but breath and stare into space the whole time, as I’ve mentioned before who actually cares? What are they looking at?
A happening that did really touch me this weekend (not physically) was my Nan’s 70th birthday, OK the actual physical event wasn’t all that unique it was a family meal and as you do we all gathered, sat at a table, made comments like ‘How’s the job?’ to start the whole thing off but it did actually go somewhere (in the end). This is the first year I’ve properly gone out, bought her a present and it was filled with thought and everything (proud growing up moment). It was so good to see someone so happy after all the anxiety and tough battles she’s faced throughout her life, not that this is some X Factor style sob-story, but she genuinely loved what I got her and was almost pushed to tears gladly she held it together so we avoided the big commotion where I imagine everyone would stare. Even if there was a small tear, let them stare.
Honestly though it actually was pretty emotional looking back, I’m glad that eventually I came to my senses wasn’t so stingy and bought her something with meaning. All I have to do now is top that with a half decent Christmas gift and I’m the worlds number one Grandson. Way to go Liam *rolls eyes*.
To sum this all up, try viewing life from alternative points of view, challenge the way you think. Asking yourself why that was the first thing that came in to your head, I guess if you read between the lines what I’m saying is be you and be diffferent whilst doing it, someone will follow you (eventually).
Here I am sat with my back firmly against the radiator, feeling ill and a tad sorry for myself whilst sipping Lemsip . Well you say Lemsip I say some cheap knock-off that probably has similar effects just without about 10 more teaspoons of sugar to promote the same feeling.
I guess we can brush that one aside.
In actual truth I feel so sick, probably trying to cover up that fact by calling it man flu or some other more viable excuse rather than just a bad cold. Honestly though, I don’t think I realised how bad it was going to be having to sit or being bed-ridden and feeling utterly worthless. However I won’t go on because who actually wants to know that I’m moaning and perhaps a little ill, not me for one that’s just going to inspire someone else to feel shit. That definitely not being my intention.
What being ‘under the weather’ has allowed me to do is reflect and eat a tonne of biscuits but we won’t expand on that subject (for now). Reflect on what actually matters to me, the flaws that I have and then anything else that falls under the category of self-loathing. For instance there’s the commonly asked question of ‘what am I doing with my life?’ still as of yet no definite answer but the first thought I guess is ‘I don’t even know anymore’. Maybe this is just the way my brain is programmed but because there have been no mark-able achievements of late and this week has been a bit of rainy cloud on a sunny day I say this to push myself further to the edge of ‘DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE!’ but miraculously every time not much results from this self detriment. Perhaps I take a different approach and instead focus on the positives so far and how they along with new skills and areas could help me to actually create a future that won’t ask me to question the value of my life?
Now being a year on (almost) since I took the dive and decided to focus my efforts on accountancy I almost feel as though I’m back to square one and more that the fact my life has done a complete cycle. Because still I am not entirely happy and want more. More? Yes I like the rest of the human population on the planet have wants, not necessarily needs, still there are events in my mind that need to happen in order for myself to feel content and as though I’ve achieved enough to be complete at least until the next insane thought comes around. So how do we resolve this, how do we become more content and happy with what we have? Initially my answer or resolution to these questions would be well we can’t it is just instinct isn’t it, on the other hand the other half of me thinks let’s blame this one on society, why not? Speaking more realistically, this should be a responsibility for each and every one of us to try to actually be content at least for a little while longer and then maybe we could extend the shelf life of our happiness? Should it at any moment become unbearable, to put it bluntly find an alternative and get out fast!
Concluding on a more positive one than I began, here’s to feeling better or at least not as low as this, here’s to the future whatever I decide that may be and here’s to the next packet of biscuits I intend to open immediately after the new full stop.
(Ginger nuts were the way forward)
Please do not be alarmed, but contemplating life and saying goodbye every now and again is actually helpful. Is it not? I’m sure somehow this can be related to, OK it doesn’t have to be as exact as that but it’s all a part of life or at least that’s what I’m trying to reassure myself of. After all chances are that if one or more other people (that aren’t family) share the same view then it sort of feels acceptable, or enough that it won’t drive you to insanity.
So I guess in this post what I’m trying to establish is that, sharing or relating to something actually gives us a buzz that makes us feel as though we’re accepted, right or a part of society. Take for example the USA (controversial) presidential election, so we all by now know who won *cough*Trump*cough*, perhaps not the most well taken outcome but in that scenario where all the Trump supporters or just standers by went to rallies and listened. To an extent they were influenced, made to think that what they heard was the morally right way forward and so on 8th November they turned out voted and well we all know the result. The point I’m making is that this week I read a proposed scientific fact that the more time you spend with friends/people you actually start to pick up habits and see things from their point of view, so while all the torn voters were still deciding he was implementing little points in others minds and I guess this is what swayed the end result because those 46.9% who didn’t vote were screaming for an alternative that they never got!
Sadly democracy and not opinion rules. Maybe this could be the future, instead of the restricted tick box choice?
On another personal note, this week I opened some socks that I had last Christmas. A short note that this year if anyone dares buy me socks that aren’t Versace or fluffy with a bow please don’t! This isn’t me being ungrateful but seriously there are definitely others out there that need cheap socks more than I do, so this Christmas I may even do a spot of cheeky re-gifting not telling anyone of course. Please don’t be influenced too much by my choices this is not advisory, unless you want to be Scrooge McDuck.
P.s. New socks are still comfy #SockGame
Every now and again I’m sure everyone must experience this feeling, emotion or thought because why else would I share this with anyone else. Surely every person has thought about killing someone now and again, does that make you a killer? No. What it does mean is that you don’t fully experience that emotion or have that radicalised alibi to carry out such an act because it is morally, socially and wholly wrong. Isn’t it sad that people should get to the point of hatred, loss of faith or utter anguish that they believe killing is the way to express this feeling?
Just some food for thought.
More positively speaking people are social beings and that’s just how we survive because after all who ever conquered anything alone, sure it may have been the individual who had the idea but when you think about it, it’s the environment that forced them to conjure up such a plan. So growing up in a broken place, being told no and never getting that break isn’t always a bad thing, for me I feel as though this should be something to shout and scream about because then at least you have a driving factor to influence those below you and aim higher than those above. Of course this is all metaphorically speaking, but society has given us this structure and we can’t exactly choose where we get placed, but we can decide where we go from here.
Wow that got deep.
Thinking about it though, people are great! Not all of them are so productive however the ones that are can influence even the smallest of others. I guess the message I’m trying to get across here is that thinking about it some of us do things without reason or cause to do so, often unnoticed but definitely having a key influence on others lives. A more personal experience now, there’s this person that I’ve never ever spoken to (yet), they get my early morning train every day but so far they have already made me smile just their kind face and who they are was enough to influence this feeling, fucking crazy yet so helpful to just make me feel that little but better about myself. Maybe tomorrow I’ll hit them up with a cheeky one-line ‘alright’ or ‘after you’ *person steps off train*. I guess it doesn’t exactly matter, on the contrary most friendships start out this way, here’s to hoping!
Overall this week has been a good one, it’s now nearing to Christmas as we actually made it into November! Don’t worry I’m not one of those people who preaches Christmas at the first sight of tinsel, no way. Now I’m ‘all grown-up’ *he says loosely* I actually feel as though the sparkle has gone, the only part about it I am looking forward to is the food and getting to spend time at home with so many boxes of free chocolate in the house. BRING ON THE CHRISTMAS FOOD BABY (casually followed by many new year gym sessions, just so I don’t feel as guilty). Other than mollycoddling over what I’ll be getting people for Christmas here’s to another freezing cold, slightly productive yet positive week!
Bring on the icy cold, slightly numb feeling!