Here I am sat with my back firmly against the radiator, feeling ill and a tad sorry for myself whilst sipping Lemsip . Well you say Lemsip I say some cheap knock-off that probably has similar effects just without about 10 more teaspoons of sugar to promote the same feeling.
I guess we can brush that one aside.
In actual truth I feel so sick, probably trying to cover up that fact by calling it man flu or some other more viable excuse rather than just a bad cold. Honestly though, I don’t think I realised how bad it was going to be having to sit or being bed-ridden and feeling utterly worthless. However I won’t go on because who actually wants to know that I’m moaning and perhaps a little ill, not me for one that’s just going to inspire someone else to feel shit. That definitely not being my intention.
What being ‘under the weather’ has allowed me to do is reflect and eat a tonne of biscuits but we won’t expand on that subject (for now). Reflect on what actually matters to me, the flaws that I have and then anything else that falls under the category of self-loathing. For instance there’s the commonly asked question of ‘what am I doing with my life?’ still as of yet no definite answer but the first thought I guess is ‘I don’t even know anymore’. Maybe this is just the way my brain is programmed but because there have been no mark-able achievements of late and this week has been a bit of rainy cloud on a sunny day I say this to push myself further to the edge of ‘DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE!’ but miraculously every time not much results from this self detriment. Perhaps I take a different approach and instead focus on the positives so far and how they along with new skills and areas could help me to actually create a future that won’t ask me to question the value of my life?
Now being a year on (almost) since I took the dive and decided to focus my efforts on accountancy I almost feel as though I’m back to square one and more that the fact my life has done a complete cycle. Because still I am not entirely happy and want more. More? Yes I like the rest of the human population on the planet have wants, not necessarily needs, still there are events in my mind that need to happen in order for myself to feel content and as though I’ve achieved enough to be complete at least until the next insane thought comes around. So how do we resolve this, how do we become more content and happy with what we have? Initially my answer or resolution to these questions would be well we can’t it is just instinct isn’t it, on the other hand the other half of me thinks let’s blame this one on society, why not? Speaking more realistically, this should be a responsibility for each and every one of us to try to actually be content at least for a little while longer and then maybe we could extend the shelf life of our happiness? Should it at any moment become unbearable, to put it bluntly find an alternative and get out fast!
Concluding on a more positive one than I began, here’s to feeling better or at least not as low as this, here’s to the future whatever I decide that may be and here’s to the next packet of biscuits I intend to open immediately after the new full stop.
(Ginger nuts were the way forward)