Asking myself, who are you? The constant chronicles of self reassessment and varying definitions of being me. Sometimes questioning whether that inner voice is the same person or is this just my instincts kicking in? When tasked with an over complicated situation I struggle to comprehend the easy way out, always a little difficult which is the social code for; awkward.
Awkward I have decided though is me. First and foremost this is my nature, never being able to see the obvious social solution, just keep smiling I decide. Looking vacant and half in the conversation, half out, still here but my mind occupied with the seven other scenarios I am desperately still trying to solve and so I quiz myself once more. This time disconnecting myself from me and the experience as though viewing life through a VR lens, as though there is an element that this isn’t real and as though just standing by will help me for one more second go unnoticed.
As I slip back from the virtual environment I realise actually I do know what to do and this time smiling is the answer, reassuring others that they too are being listened to. Even if my contribution is minimal or I look stupid, feeling embarrassed, there’s still the idea that the awkwardness is me.
Living in fear of saying and not doing for so long. Instead when feeling stuck and lost I look to myself in the mirror for help, reassurance that I exist and that what other people are seeing isn’t a fake irrelevant image of some alternate reality. One where a tragic emotionless society is born, now together we talk, relate and move things forward, a friendship is born then suddenly forever we are bonded. Until one ghosts the other or until I reassess another individual change and then we grow apart.
Once again left asking myself, who are you?