Not My Final Post - For Now

I made a promise, I stuck to it.

At least 6 months on since I began this blog and now it seems the times they have changed, that space that once wasn’t so occupied became occupied. For anyone that cared, paid attention or even allowed me to help them I am grateful, for now perhaps temporary positive spirits have arisen, progression has happened and as a person I feel more aware and alert of the struggles, along with the inconveniences that we as an imperfect race have to deal with.

Many moments and reactions have made me smile, feeling loved and not alone, even though at first the search for attention was difficult to find but I’ll definitely always rely upon bloggers for the sometimes niche emotions that are felt. Popularity was never something I sought just to voice and hone my feelings into small written chunks has been enough. This isn’t an eternal end to ‘What Are You Looking At?’ And most definitely isn’t the last thing I will ever write or allow to be felt, the message will as always be the same to push aside doubts, negative opinion, radical thoughts and ask them why is it they are staring so plainly into your mind?

I imagine that this post is likely to be for me a dark cloud clearing way for the sun to shine. However, this will not forever be the case and there will come days, moments and minutes where dark castings of thunder fill the sky, desperately trying to remember that the rain can pour coming with it darkness yet there will always be a bright and open one just beyond the skyline.

Now I shall say one final thank you and temporary good-bye.

Before I do, one final bombshell and hopefully listened to thought!

My main focus from now on will be in short ‘Darkspots’ which only leads to now more puzzled looks, an explanation here is needed. Darkspots is purely my creation an offering to the world aiming to tackle mental health issues, approaching wellbeing and attitude from a different angle. Essentially there be will be blog posts on the site for everyone to see with the main event currently being a monthly subscription service. For the cost of just £10 a month subscribers will of course part with their all important payment information… still feel a little guilty about this but it’s the only way we could make it all possible! In return they will receive a box filled with products, tips and thought-provoking items in order to tackle those ‘darkspots’ and mental road blocks. So I guess you could call this a PLUG but there had to be a mention of this in here somewhere, a cold exit is never a positive one.

Check out the site here at – Happy viewing!

Now as an OCD thing I always like to be the one who finishes the conversation, a huge amount of guilt is felt otherwise. Which only means that leaving this behind and finding a definite way to end is even more procrastination filled. Getting myself together and building up the courage to stop was more difficult than planned, filling the hole of writing this every Sunday will for at least a while haunt me.

Farewell and a final thank you 🙂 x

img_0062-4Darkspots Social Media


Goodbye World, Hello Me

Please do not be alarmed, but contemplating life and saying goodbye every now and again is actually helpful. Is it not? I’m sure somehow this can be related to, OK  it doesn’t have to be as exact as that but it’s all a part of life or at least that’s what I’m trying to reassure myself of. After all chances are that if one or more other people (that aren’t family) share the same view then it sort of feels acceptable, or enough that it won’t drive you to insanity.

So I guess in this post what I’m trying to establish is that, sharing or relating to something actually gives us a buzz that makes us feel as though we’re accepted, right or a part of society. Take for example the USA (controversial) presidential election, so we all by now know who won *cough*Trump*cough*, perhaps not the most well taken outcome but in that scenario where all the Trump supporters or just standers by went to rallies and listened. To an extent they were influenced, made to think that what they heard was the morally right way forward and so on 8th November they turned out voted and well we all know the result. The point I’m making is that this week I read a proposed scientific fact that the more time you spend with friends/people you actually start to pick up habits and see things from their point of view, so while all the torn voters were still deciding he was implementing little points in others minds and I guess this is what swayed the end result because those 46.9% who didn’t vote were screaming for an alternative that they never got!

Sadly democracy and not opinion rules. Maybe this could be the future, instead of the restricted tick box choice?

On another personal note, this week I opened some socks that I had last Christmas. A short note that this year if anyone dares buy me socks that aren’t Versace or fluffy with a bow please don’t! This isn’t me being ungrateful but seriously there are definitely others out there that need cheap socks more than I do, so this Christmas I may even do a spot of cheeky re-gifting not telling anyone of course. Please don’t be influenced too much by my choices this is not advisory, unless you want to be Scrooge McDuck.




P.s. New socks are still comfy #SockGame



The (Erotic) Girl on the Train

Inspiration this week was drawn from the strangest events, perhaps even the most insignificant but meaningful ones. But despite the titling I can confirm that the erotic girl on the train was definitely not something I enjoyed. Here it goes… Picture it as Friday 21st October and I was on my usual very (emphasis on the very) crowded train home it was 5:36 that it all began. Me feeling tired, sleepy and a bunch of other shitty emotions but that’s not the focus here. As I did my usual walk-run from work to the train station just so I could at least have some standing space when I got on was something dreams were made of. Sadly to my usual discontentment I was stood in a pretty awkward position just praying that the train would leave on time and any unnecessary personal space invasive conversations were not started.

A few minutes before we were due to leave things got very close and I was pretty much struggling to find some space to ‘inadvertently’ fall asleep whilst stood up. A side note here before you ask, yes I do this pretty often call it resting my eyes or whatever you want but it actually feels so good after work. Back on ‘track’ anyway *tries to take credit for unplanned train based pun*, so a group of teenage/young adult girls came onto the train specifically my carriage they were stereotypically talking about makeup with one giving advice to the other two about what products she used… I won’t go on. Followed by the girls getting on another three or four people joined the carriage, at this point my sleeping and trying not to draw attention was completely off the cards, all of us now like sardines in a can with very little space to even reach my hands and rest them in my coat pockets. If ever there was a hashtag for this moment it would definitely be #AWKWARD, capital letters, bold, underline!

The train was going now, doors closed and one of the three girls was stood with her back to me, very close (maybe a little too much). Anyway during the ten or so minutes that I was on the train this girl was definitely enjoying herself, a little too much! I’m not sure that she meant it or was doing it intentionally but every time there was a jolt or even the slightest movement from the train it would be followed by a cheeky touching of my leg which was definitely not expected on a Friday evening, was it my closed eyes that caught her attention? Did she genuinely think I was asleep and that I wouldn’t notice? Who knows? All I can say is, I’m glad that she enjoyed herself and for my sake that it is now over and I’ll probably never see her again.

Shame really :/

On another note I did for real go and see the ACTUAL girl on the train this week, Emily Blunt starred in this one before anyone questions are raised! This unlike my erotic version was intense on a different scale, well scripted and a lot more enjoyable. But that whole short-lived scenario made me think, why? Was she insecure, looking for attention or is this just how she behaved? To publicly do something like that and make me feel a little.. embarrassed, it’s disheartening and kind knocks my faith in humanity just a tad. But then I kind have to realise that this isn’t everyone and it’s just a small bad sample of society, seriously someone should show that girl some manners!

At least ask next time. Please.

Insecurities are painful, but we all have them in some way, shape or form whether you’re prepared to admit it or not. Talking about them and to an extent embracing them is helpful, this has definitely helped me along with many others in the past. Take some of the most iconic figures they all stood out and were different but they didn’t apologise or say ‘actually I am wrong’ because they knew that this wasn’t true and chances are others will always share the same thoughts. So this week and from now on being is what I shall be, in other words sorry but not sorry, I may apologise to some low indivduals for having a certain view, or doing a task in a specific way but not to the people that actually matter, that is what matters.

Take from this what you will, be that low individual or just open your mind and accept a difference of opinion.

And remember, watch out the erotic girl on the train is about!




Where do you see yourself etc.

To put it simply, the future is my main focus for this week and it seems to be something that everyone struggles with. We’re all trying to be something, to create someone and be recognised or rewarded for doing so. Why then does it seem so unsatisfying when we fail or lose hope of even being able to achieve any of this?

Being totally honest most of the above are happening right now, as you can see I’m trying to achieve something, to create a blog and gather followers, spread the word. This so far hasn’t been the greatest success but then that doesn’t mean I’ve failed (just yet). Looking at this from a more positive angle, I haven’t exactly put maximum effort in so it’s pretty straightforward that I’ll never get the maximum out.

Swiftly plodding on… to more personal matters. Firstly if I was tasked with the question where would you see yourself in say 5 years? Depending on the scenario I would probably answer this question a little differently, because let’s face it, it’s maybe one of the top ten job interview questions and well I’d definitely just bullshit or be more serious in the way that I handled answering this question in that situation. However my honest and initial answer like every other human being would be either: ‘I don’t know’, promptly after which I would try to think of something totally inventive and unique to say… ooorr it would be that I’ll be successful have money, a respectable car, possibly a house, some one to cuddle up next to at the end of the day. With the second generic answer, this kind of implies that in 5 years, to put it bluntly ‘I’ll have my shit together’ which we can all kind of say but probably and most definitely will never be true, because as a fellow person I can confirm that we will never, EVER, be satisfied. True story.

At this point I’m guessing that you’re wondering what my actual, thought out and more honest answer will be (if not I’m going to witter on about it anyway).

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

In 5 years I would hope that personally I know who I am and don’t need others to hold me because at the moment I am maybe a little reliant on others to make me feel better. Slowly I am getting to this point already, partly due to the fact that now I know how my thoughts and emotions work, what partially causes me to go into a state of anxiety and then how to pick myself back up afterwards. Being a creative person and having urges to just do something contructive is probably what sets it off, yes I said it I’m a do-er *one person silently giggles*. University and studying didn’t help this because let’s face it I was sat there listening, being told how things were done, which yes is important I’m not saying it isn’t. Although to me that’s just so boring and it got to me so I made the decision to quit which was also pretty tough because I have definetely never given up without a fight before. But now even though my job isn’t the world’s greatest it allows me to actually do something constructive and interact with what seem to be real people, which is kind of where learning bores me, it’s all what if this, theoretically that… when in actual fact in reality this is far from being the truth.

Back to the original question in 5 years, I (hopefully) would be able to understand myself whilst also learning new things that I never knew I would be able to achieve or feel. More specifically, socially I would like to think that I was surrounded by people who value me as a person and then I am able to feel the same towards them. Individuals who mock you and really don’t care after the event are the worst, it does consequently work both ways but having someone you can rely upon when you’re feeling low is so humbling and is defintely a #LifeGoal. Job security, work-life balance and challenges are all things which time and time again are mentioned when it comes to career choices, so if you’re bored of all that please skip this paragraph now! Yes I would love it if I found that ‘dream’ job role which would give me great rewards and more freedom, but honestly that is so difficult to even find it almost feels wrong trying. However instead of finding one job and having one career path in mind, at the moment and in the future I hope that I’m able to take on multiple roles (not all at once, silly). A little optimist I know, still why shouldn’t I be, after all no one else is going to tell me that I want a career change or tell me that what I’m doing just isn’t feeling quite right.

In summary variety, change and similarities are all going to happen at some point in the future all that I can be is positive that my forthcoming will be exactly what I make it. And I’ll have to just fucking accept it, or of course change it (it’s not quitting I promise!)

That would be my answer to the age old question, it’s probably not the most informative, neither is it that different to many others, however at least I tried! On the bright side at least my horoscope for this week is looking good (for all those Gemini’s out there)





Nail-biting for the now

Don’t be too put off by the title of this post, I am not actually going to break down whilst writing this (I hope). Honestly though, I thought I’d go for talking about the present moment, since I’ve already covered the past (you can kind of guess what will follow next, SPOILER ALERT: the future)

Removing all the boring mundane everyday obligations and focussing more on the events that actually possess some moments of interest. Firstly the week started off with Monday as always this was 100% effort with very little reward but after about 11am that feeling disappears and you forget that the weekend ever actually happened, which is a major sad face 😦 The actual moment I’m getting to here happened at about precisely 6:45pm Tuesday evening, this I will call rewiring…

Arriving home on the 27th after work, de-stressing, eating and then setting myself up for what could potentially be an exciting night (probably not in most cases). First of all I probably should mention that currently we’re having our bathroom re-fitted, the whole works: flooring, walls, electrics, showers, sinks and anything else you could think of really. This is important because it kind of leads to the most exciting event on Tuesday evening, so after the coming home routine, my Dad (chief DIY-er) is re-wiring for the fancy new electric shower I’m told we’re getting. A lot of the time I get asked to help with some of his ‘projects’ so I swiftly tried to avoid being a part of this one! Failure was the result. Yes I was roped into helping him connect wires through walls, under floors and then anywhere else that meant they were hidden within the chasms of our (still standing) home.  Moving on to what I see as the more exciting part, yes this was me feeding wires into the very framework of the house and lets say after a few mishaps we got going, the aim was to get the cable down into the garage, which for all you wannabe electricians is where the main fuse board is. So there I was giving it a good push and shove (oh eh ;)), little did I or my Dad realise that we were actually above a more important and as my Mom would say ‘on show’ part of the house, this being the hallway (key feature right there).

Moving onwards and upwards which clearly juxtaposes where the wiring was supposed to be headed. Between us (me and my Dad) we managed to create a decent sized hole right in the middle of the hallway, obviously you can imagine I at this point was totally proud of the mass destruction we had caused, oh the thrills of a Tuesday evening (is this really what my life has come to, getting thrills from completely defacing our pretty good-looking home). At first we didn’t mention a word to my Mom who was clueless at this point, however I’m not sure it was the most discreet or avoidable of holes so eventually she found it and let’s say wasn’t too happy, that of course being a complete understatement!

To kind of summarise this happening I would firmly give it a 6 out of 10 for excitement and 10 out of 10 for making the ‘things I would not like to be doing when I get home from work’ list. Eventually we sorted the whole ‘issue’ even though we still don’t have a working shower system we managed to accomplish something. At least I think we did, until the pipe work has to go in.. Maybe next Tuesday will be as exciting as this.

Perhaps not!

This was not the only traumatic thing to happen to me this week, oh no. Ticket-gate was next, maybe not as anxiety filled as operation lets rewire the whole house, but still it was somewhere on the scale of memorable weekly events. Wednesday was the day it happened basically to put it to anyone else I left my new train ticket at home whilst travelling to work on the TRAIN! To me it was pretty traumatic, I had to get through the fucking ticket barrier of death with actually having a valid ticket… Dun… Dun.. Dun… How did I do this you may say? (Perhaps not?) Well the art of persuasion was on my side and that fact that I had a card which states ‘direct debit’ with a nice little mug shot of me included (Facebook profile picture before anyone teases). Luckily the guy to hand was pretty understanding it was either that or he really could not be arsed to deal with me at 8:50am on a Wednesday morning. I imagine him later sharing this rather pathetic story around some kind of lunch table or with his fellow colleagues whilst working during the day when next to no one but pensioners were around, one of those options but probably the most obvious result being that this was just a particularly regular event which was just going to slide his memory the very second the next ‘valid’ ticket went through the barrier.

Apologies for being a little boring this time around, I mean if I’m totally honest who actually has an exciting week 52 weeks a year, not me and neither does the rest of the world. Unless you’re a newsreader, where literally something shocking happens every day, like how this week I noticed that they mentioned how WOMEN were suffering from mental health problems. Just WOMEN. *Cough* *Cough* *Chokes on air* This to me just seems as bad if not worse as the whole ‘gender pay gap’ argument, I really hope they do realise that its everyone who is affected by this issue and not just women because they’re portrayed or stereotyped as being the most fragile. Definitely not! I won’t go on because my view is obvious but still this annoyed me. Let’s not rant!

This [post] has made me happy and actually included all of the content I had planned, which is good. There is one more thing.. which I’m a little apprehensive about but I guess I should just say it otherwise it would be completely hypocritical of me. This week I decided to write a short story, which is still currently in progress and is probably utter shite but it’s the most I’ve ever written and it just happened completely naturally so I’ll leave you with the title and a bit of background, it’s called X Marks the Spot (very originally titled) and is about a recent love interest which never really went to plan. Hopefully if I can finish that and be willing to type for that long, I may upload it depending on how I’m feeling.

So this is good-bye, here’s to another week of ‘fun’ little anxieties