I hate you. I love you. Right now I’m confused, lost and feeling slightly alone even though people surround me, they are my hatred as they play on my every emotion challenging my every belief. War against them yet a truce drawn up between us, together they have housed me, fed me and watched me grow into the person I have become. Contributing their every effort but never being able to tame the mind, to them I am a stray choosing to be alone and reclusive, not part-taking in all the shit they have to offer.
Maybe one. Maybe two. Smiles of greetings home, fake forced happiness and desire to be a part of something larger. Of course I speak of my parents, this household and the choking chains within it. Every cold and solid brick, the very external casing of this building sickening me only when I am with them, I think it’s time to get up and walk away. Debris of the ‘family’ evident in each soft plush rug and every disagreement over the smallest of wrong doings. A slave to their rules and expectations, this ‘home’ has become so frigid and within it I am fragile, it doesn’t know my thoughts and won’t allow my kind here.
Stuck. Stifled. Nouns that may be used to fill this home, all of them placed and forced into a shape that would allow only a member to feel their joy and embrace their solemn deceit. Perceptions to the outside that all is calm and rosy, happiness fills a home – I am told. These next few years to come will see us break, but then fall back together again.
Maybe one day in the not so near future I can look back at this all and call it a birthplace, a part of me and most definitely a home.
First thought: What if I said you haven’t seen all of me? What if I never tried to meet my full potential? Paranoid? Scared? Gripped? Or just confused by the constant self assessment?
Truthfully we walk past rare cases of preserved, held back shells of talent every day. Some of us just have that fire to keep going and give our all to as much as we can. Alternatively there are others who have ‘failed’ in the system, feel cheated and maybe even left without an asset to their name. How are they supposed to project themselves and achieve some of the minor things each of us carry out each day?
Sure it gives me anxiety thinking ‘what if I am never hugely successful in whatever I do?’ but doesn’t everyone fear that they will struggle to make something of themselves. Nevertheless if you were to actually ask yourself deep within us what it is that defines these morals, it could be a number of things, pushy parents, social created pressure or perceived personal contentment. If anything it should be the latter, wanting to be and to move forward with your own life in order to feel as though you have motivated others to do so in the process sounds positive to me!
On the subject of potential though I guess quality is better than quantity, after all if I was to have a number of jobs that each lasted a month and I never fully felt content with any of them then there was no quality. On the other hand it might just be that one thing that I’m good at, it might not pay the most, it may never be the best job in others eyes but at least you were able to enjoy it, and it kept you from feeling unhappy and lacking fulfillment. To me that seems obvious but actually getting this through to your brain and instincts is sometimes a little more difficult than you can imagine, after all the majority are likely to choose the career path that pays more.
In blatant terms money motivates.
Changing this and altering others thoughts that’s how we grow and adjust society. Maybe then we wouldn’t see huge numbers motivation lacking and worry ridden?