How Others Mean Everything – HOME

I hate you. I love you. Right now I’m confused, lost and feeling slightly alone even though people surround me, they are my hatred as they play on my every emotion challenging my every belief. War against them yet a truce drawn up between us, together they have housed me, fed me and watched me grow into the person I have become. Contributing their every effort but never being able to tame the mind, to them I am a stray choosing to be alone and reclusive, not part-taking in all the shit they have to offer.

Maybe one. Maybe two. Smiles of greetings home, fake forced happiness and desire to be a part of something larger. Of course I speak of my parents, this household and the choking chains within it. Every cold and solid brick, the very external casing of this building sickening me only when I am with them, I think it’s time to get up and walk away. Debris of the ‘family’ evident in each soft plush rug and every disagreement over the smallest of wrong doings. A slave to their rules and expectations, this ‘home’ has become so frigid and within it I am fragile, it doesn’t know my thoughts and won’t allow my kind here.

Stuck. Stifled. Nouns that may be used to fill this home, all of them placed  and forced into a shape that would allow only a member to feel their joy and embrace their solemn deceit. Perceptions to the outside that all is calm and rosy, happiness fills a home – I am told. These next few years to come will see us break, but then fall back together again.

Maybe one day in the not so near future I can look back at this all and call it a birthplace, a part of me and most definitely a home.








Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Yeah! I made it! A second post is actually happening, this just means that now I’m fully committed and willing to devote a small amount of MY time voicing MY opinion and telling MY story… I guess (perhaps a bit too much about me).

Moving forward… Immediately I thought this week I would start by reflecting on the things which have changed this past year, and then everything else which has remained a constant. And looking back there actually aren’t that many ‘sames’ in my life which I guess could be taken as a positive or a negative… I’ll leave that for the over-thinkers to ponder on (like myself)

So let me begin by saying I’m writing this as accurate and as emotion filled as I possibly can because I want to be completely honest and not tell some boring half-baked ‘story’ (if you’d call it that) what would be the point otherwise? It would have been about a year ago now that I started university, Aston to be exact studying marketing, I feel like I already mentioned that! So it probably would have been freshers week, where it all ‘kicked’ off and not being the usual party type I wasn’t that set on going out each night, getting drunk, having an obligatory kebab and then waking up the next morning feeling totally fragile. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a total introverted recluse, I did go out, have fun and all the rest. I was on the winning team of the 2015 freshers pub quiz, so don’t ever underestimate the power of a store of useless facts and pop knowledge. Anyway… that awkwardness out of the way, I made some good friends, chatted and introduced myself to every other fresher with the usual; Hi, I’m Liam, what are you studying? That went on pretty much the whole 7 weeks I was at uni which was pretty annoying…

To fast forward a little and get to the ‘juice’ (if you’d call it that) my time there was good, but clearly not good enough for my little head to handle. There were moments where I thought ‘I can do this, I could leave with a first’ and there was the other extreme that was ‘Just drop out, you’ve never actually wanted this, you don’t have to follow the crowd’ in the end it was the more independent self-thoughts that won and from that I’m completely glad that I was able to listen to myself and not just obey what all of my friends at the time were doing. The lesson here being, just do you and it’s pretty difficult to go wrong. Although I did learn some things about myself at university and the direction I wanted to go in, it was a pretty expensive 7 weeks, luckily I didn’t go the whole year and blow my entire salary of my current job in one go (that would have been tragic).

That was how university and career paths and life played with my head. But at the same time, as always there were other things going on in the background that to me meant a lot more than things in the background should. I don’t want to completely break-down because right now I can’t I’m just not in that place anymore but I suffered… It was a low, perhaps the lowest I’ve ever felt but now I can say, it happened and if there are days where I feel that way I can move past them and occupy my mind with the positives or just talk to myself (insanity) about what it is that’s getting to me. Call it depression, anxiety or just human that doesn’t matter what does is seeking help and not allowing it to get any worse, other cases can be more extreme self-harm, psychosis, eating disorders. In some ways I was lucky to never have experienced any of these but emotions and thoughts are dangerous and it should never get that far, that someone should have to result to creating their own little coping mechanism to deal with the emotional, anxiety filled pain.

I’m not trying to be an agony aunt neither am I trying to say that everything is going to be OK because it’s probably not, but it helps to talk and express yourself a little. Now when I feel low or empty I listen to music, I leave the house having no reason to, I talk to a friend (or anyone) and most of the time this feels way better than just staring out of a window or sitting in a closed room crying to yourself because you feel completely inadequate, like you’re worth nothing. To anyone.

Maybe I did get a bit too emotional putting that into words but who actually cares, because right now I don’t! Everyone is the same with their own subtle differences, some more than others but emotions are felt by all of us, knowing how to control and nurture them is perhaps where we go wrong.

Wow… So I think now you can see where things have gone in the past year, currently I’m an apprentice accounts assistant (sounds pretty fancy) and studying for AAT Level 4 Professional Diploma in Accountancy. Which to most is kind of basic but like I said who actually cares, I enjoy it… for now 🙂

Who knows where I’ll be in another years time, the age 20 sounds pretty scary but I’m sure I’ll cope with it (some how), until next week!



P.S. Thank you to those of you read, liked or even just glanced over my first post, that acknowledgement actually meant a lot, also apologies for the soppiness you just witnessed, but someone had to cover this subject x