Not My Final Post - For Now

I made a promise, I stuck to it.

At least 6 months on since I began this blog and now it seems the times they have changed, that space that once wasn’t so occupied became occupied. For anyone that cared, paid attention or even allowed me to help them I am grateful, for now perhaps temporary positive spirits have arisen, progression has happened and as a person I feel more aware and alert of the struggles, along with the inconveniences that we as an imperfect race have to deal with.

Many moments and reactions have made me smile, feeling loved and not alone, even though at first the search for attention was difficult to find but I’ll definitely always rely upon bloggers for the sometimes niche emotions that are felt. Popularity was never something I sought just to voice and hone my feelings into small written chunks has been enough. This isn’t an eternal end to ‘What Are You Looking At?’ And most definitely isn’t the last thing I will ever write or allow to be felt, the message will as always be the same to push aside doubts, negative opinion, radical thoughts and ask them why is it they are staring so plainly into your mind?

I imagine that this post is likely to be for me a dark cloud clearing way for the sun to shine. However, this will not forever be the case and there will come days, moments and minutes where dark castings of thunder fill the sky, desperately trying to remember that the rain can pour coming with it darkness yet there will always be a bright and open one just beyond the skyline.

Now I shall say one final thank you and temporary good-bye.

Before I do, one final bombshell and hopefully listened to thought!

My main focus from now on will be in short ‘Darkspots’ which only leads to now more puzzled looks, an explanation here is needed. Darkspots is purely my creation an offering to the world aiming to tackle mental health issues, approaching wellbeing and attitude from a different angle. Essentially there be will be blog posts on the site for everyone to see with the main event currently being a monthly subscription service. For the cost of just £10 a month subscribers will of course part with their all important payment information… still feel a little guilty about this but it’s the only way we could make it all possible! In return they will receive a box filled with products, tips and thought-provoking items in order to tackle those ‘darkspots’ and mental road blocks. So I guess you could call this a PLUG but there had to be a mention of this in here somewhere, a cold exit is never a positive one.

Check out the site here at www.darkspots.co.uk – Happy viewing!

Now as an OCD thing I always like to be the one who finishes the conversation, a huge amount of guilt is felt otherwise. Which only means that leaving this behind and finding a definite way to end is even more procrastination filled. Getting myself together and building up the courage to stop was more difficult than planned, filling the hole of writing this every Sunday will for at least a while haunt me.

Farewell and a final thank you 🙂 x

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Inside Da Vinci’s Mind

Some events in our lives define a mood, a time period or even influence/change who we are as a person. It’s these events that are toxic and almost explosive, just touching on this gives me goosebumps, all those ‘fake people’ and ’empty life forms’ you came across having only negative implications on your life. Most of the time unintentional, completely unplanned only leaving room for more knives to be stuck in whilst in their presence, be it digital, be it real the true extent is never at first know.

Experience is the key, in the eyes, in the blank unwilling reply to a conversation after all no one but that being knows the thoughts rushing through their mind. Slowly but surely we lose faith in humans as a species, seeing so many ‘perfect’ relationships on our digital feed only allows our minds to think that we are not. That no friendship or love has it’s downsides with arguments, fighting and ever so small disagreements, maybe if we created an honest view of our lives then so many minds wouldn’t feel as though they are alone, in feeling left out or friend-less. Upon this a view should be taken for our well-being, for our minds to put to rest all the anxiety that social butterflies and extroverts have caused, a picture only paints a snapshot of the moment. Did Mona Lisa always look so still and effortless? Was Da Vinci only painting his perception? For all we know Lisa could have been a dark force to be beckoned with, making others feel her confident wraith as she married with 5 children at such a young age giving all to a cloth merchant.

Famous faces only give the positive story, most of the time this is to portray a strong message to their fans and that they don’t want others to see them crumble. Not always the fault of their own, attacks from the media and bad press received can blacken a name, painting an alternative picture to that of the truth. With honest news and messages becoming seemingly hard to come across this only dampens the stigma and social acceptance of mental health issues and how emotionally we are all different. Caring for minds is like holding a beating heart in your very hands, if left alone it will continue to beat but throw a complication to the system and starve it of oxygen suddenly it becomes broken and begins to feel at half battery power once again. The right conditions, the almost niche environment and the select social few can change the tone, with their power comes a responsibility. Speaking only words yet transforming and ridding the mind of dark clouds feeling awake once more to the reform of reality and growing ever stronger in society until another day.

Off loading many of these stimulating thoughts all into one, take from it a mind filled with strength and education. Yet this is not a test to see who will pass and those that will fail, just instilling this thought and being mindful of others should do the trick. Wearing an honest smile only when feeling as though today the sun is shining, allowing the fake abnormalities of social surroundings to be fluid and instead felt as raw, organic truths.

 

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Toothpaste Tastes the Same

Monday morning, seven hours into the am, the alarm strategically sounds, a sudden shudder and a somehow planned stretch I am awoke. Brain telling me that if the eyes close I’ll be a goner and probably fired from work, on the other hand it screams ‘be different’ obediently listening the angel of goodwill and morals on my right shoulder. Getting up out of bed at this some what life absorbing hour feeling torn and battered from the luxuries of the weekend, once again feeling the strained spine and bad back motions from the chains that surround my very generic office swivel desk chair, in that formal air-conditioned unit breathing the same as every other freedom seeking soul.

With the blind now rolled up to reveal the street light estate in which I live, a few other curtains like mine are hazily open with small shudders of others getting ready to leave for the day. Sneaking downstairs alone, desperate not to wake the family, deactivating the second alarm for the morning and entering the kitchen to fill my bowl with well marketed health filled oats, adding milk then microwaved – the ease of the twenty-first century. The time now set for two minutes, the clock ticking again as I still begin to wonder ‘can I ditch work?’ Again the right side wins. Armed with my spoon the time is up and predictably as the every day norm goes I stop the timer with one second to spare, the OCD in me telling that I have saved myself from the timer and any unnecessary attention being drawn from anywhere else in the home.

Now to the living room, undressing the blinds being able to see a small glimmer of sunlight peaking around the garden alley emotionally this rings a lot nicer. Digging into breakfast, usually food at anytime is good but this just feels like disappearing sunlight, using my t-shirt as a sort of guard against the crucifixion of the heat from my microwaved bowl. The last spoonful now filling my mouth, my mind hoping for more of this edible substance but instead I am retained to the routine. Back to the kitchen for the same glass of water that every morning brings, swilling it around my mouth, cooling the taste buds of my tongue. A sort of cold burn now felt as I reach the final ounce of my glass, imagining that today’s tasks are soon to be completed, my eyelids now like shutters are they open? Should they be closed? Breathing through the tapping pain felt at the forefront of the brain, relaxing the mind as a sort of hug to say that everything will be just fine.

As I carefully place the glass on the kitchen surface for the first time in twenty-four hours I know that the next stage is to come.

On the very bridges of my toes, slowly but efficiently making advances up the stairs to the bathroom for the penultimate stop. Checking my image and sleepy eye filled appearance in the mirror should I wet comb my hair to make it look more appealing? Probably. Reaching for my toothbrush, a lucky guess to get this one right with the light being off as to minimise the noise of the shattering fan that would fill the vicinity; I show the brush to the window pane hoping to shed a little colour on this grey situation. Once I can be sure of my ownership to this brush I take a grasp for the toothpaste, three stripes as always as though to be patriotic to the fresh feeling to come. Now squeezing the end of the tube a small stripe is displayed onto the brush a small rinse and ready to go in. The top first, hoping to reach all faces and every tooth as an equal. Onto the bottom as the paste now runs sparse perhaps I spent too long focusing on the top and not saving enough for the lower row? A small rush to give the remaining bodies a quick shine before spitting out the scum. After three hundred and sixty-five days at the least, even the toothpaste begins to taste the same, with a lack of freshness and excitement just like me. Doing its job and providing a small service to the all-powerful world. Still having uses but all too constant and much of the same in order to be rewarded with the cold hard paper stuff.

Finally in this room I wash, lather my hands and then leave on the trigger of the almost silent plug hole gargle to the bedroom.

Time to get changed into a shirt and some formal trousers in order to fit the criteria of the role. Gathering some socks, underwear and my attire I change and feel unlike the toothpaste a little more fresh and worthy. Spraying only a small amount of deodorant under the arms and around the body, immunity to the smell and effect that I once felt. Buttoning the shirt and pulling up the trousers now I am ready. The day can almost too immediately face me, as I do it, until another blast of the alarm my morning routine is far away from me now.

It’s over as I lock the front door behind me and climb into the car, turning to the ignition only nine to five awaits.

Closing disclaimer: On a more serious and personality filled note, never did I ever think that I could be so in-depth about toothpaste. But there it was, thank you I guess to the creativity that I can now hone and to the dark spots and uncontrollable down points that come with it.

 

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Goodbye World, Hello Me

Please do not be alarmed, but contemplating life and saying goodbye every now and again is actually helpful. Is it not? I’m sure somehow this can be related to, OK  it doesn’t have to be as exact as that but it’s all a part of life or at least that’s what I’m trying to reassure myself of. After all chances are that if one or more other people (that aren’t family) share the same view then it sort of feels acceptable, or enough that it won’t drive you to insanity.

So I guess in this post what I’m trying to establish is that, sharing or relating to something actually gives us a buzz that makes us feel as though we’re accepted, right or a part of society. Take for example the USA (controversial) presidential election, so we all by now know who won *cough*Trump*cough*, perhaps not the most well taken outcome but in that scenario where all the Trump supporters or just standers by went to rallies and listened. To an extent they were influenced, made to think that what they heard was the morally right way forward and so on 8th November they turned out voted and well we all know the result. The point I’m making is that this week I read a proposed scientific fact that the more time you spend with friends/people you actually start to pick up habits and see things from their point of view, so while all the torn voters were still deciding he was implementing little points in others minds and I guess this is what swayed the end result because those 46.9% who didn’t vote were screaming for an alternative that they never got!

Sadly democracy and not opinion rules. Maybe this could be the future, instead of the restricted tick box choice?

On another personal note, this week I opened some socks that I had last Christmas. A short note that this year if anyone dares buy me socks that aren’t Versace or fluffy with a bow please don’t! This isn’t me being ungrateful but seriously there are definitely others out there that need cheap socks more than I do, so this Christmas I may even do a spot of cheeky re-gifting not telling anyone of course. Please don’t be influenced too much by my choices this is not advisory, unless you want to be Scrooge McDuck.

Quack!

 

LIAM OUT!

P.s. New socks are still comfy #SockGame

 

 

People

Every now and again I’m sure everyone must experience this feeling, emotion or thought because why else would I share this with anyone else. Surely every person has thought about killing someone now and again, does that make you a killer? No. What it does mean is that you don’t fully experience that emotion or have that radicalised alibi to carry out such an act because it is morally, socially and wholly wrong. Isn’t it sad that people should get to the point of hatred, loss of faith or utter anguish that they believe killing is the way to express this feeling?

Just some food for thought.

More positively speaking people are social beings and that’s just how we survive because after all who ever conquered anything alone, sure it may have been the individual who had the idea but when you think about it, it’s the environment that forced them to conjure up such a plan. So growing up in a broken place, being told no and never getting that break isn’t always a bad thing, for me I feel as though this should be something to shout and scream about because then at least you have a driving factor to influence those below you and aim higher than those above. Of course this is all metaphorically speaking, but society has given us this structure and we can’t exactly choose where we get placed, but we can decide where we go from here.

Wow that got deep.

Thinking about it though, people are great! Not all of them are so productive however the ones that are can influence even the smallest of others. I guess the message I’m trying to get across here is that thinking about it some of us do things without reason or cause to do so, often unnoticed but definitely having a key influence on others lives. A more personal experience now, there’s this person that I’ve never ever spoken to (yet), they get my early morning  train every day but so far they have already made me smile just their kind face and who they are was enough to influence this feeling, fucking crazy yet so helpful to just make me feel that little but better about myself. Maybe tomorrow I’ll hit them up with a cheeky one-line ‘alright’ or ‘after you’ *person steps off train*. I guess it doesn’t exactly matter, on the contrary most friendships start out this way, here’s to hoping!

Overall this week has been a good one, it’s now nearing to Christmas as we actually made it into November! Don’t worry I’m not one of those people who preaches Christmas at the first sight of tinsel, no way. Now I’m ‘all grown-up’ *he says loosely* I actually feel as though the sparkle has gone, the only part about it I am looking forward to is the food and getting to spend time at home with so many boxes of free chocolate in the house. BRING ON THE CHRISTMAS FOOD BABY (casually followed by many new year gym sessions, just so I don’t feel as guilty). Other than mollycoddling over what I’ll be getting people for Christmas here’s to another freezing cold, slightly productive yet positive week!

Bring on the icy cold, slightly numb feeling!

 

LIAM OUT!