Not My Final Post - For Now

I made a promise, I stuck to it.

At least 6 months on since I began this blog and now it seems the times they have changed, that space that once wasn’t so occupied became occupied. For anyone that cared, paid attention or even allowed me to help them I am grateful, for now perhaps temporary positive spirits have arisen, progression has happened and as a person I feel more aware and alert of the struggles, along with the inconveniences that we as an imperfect race have to deal with.

Many moments and reactions have made me smile, feeling loved and not alone, even though at first the search for attention was difficult to find but I’ll definitely always rely upon bloggers for the sometimes niche emotions that are felt. Popularity was never something I sought just to voice and hone my feelings into small written chunks has been enough. This isn’t an eternal end to ‘What Are You Looking At?’ And most definitely isn’t the last thing I will ever write or allow to be felt, the message will as always be the same to push aside doubts, negative opinion, radical thoughts and ask them why is it they are staring so plainly into your mind?

I imagine that this post is likely to be for me a dark cloud clearing way for the sun to shine. However, this will not forever be the case and there will come days, moments and minutes where dark castings of thunder fill the sky, desperately trying to remember that the rain can pour coming with it darkness yet there will always be a bright and open one just beyond the skyline.

Now I shall say one final thank you and temporary good-bye.

Before I do, one final bombshell and hopefully listened to thought!

My main focus from now on will be in short ‘Darkspots’ which only leads to now more puzzled looks, an explanation here is needed. Darkspots is purely my creation an offering to the world aiming to tackle mental health issues, approaching wellbeing and attitude from a different angle. Essentially there be will be blog posts on the site for everyone to see with the main event currently being a monthly subscription service. For the cost of just £10 a month subscribers will of course part with their all important payment information… still feel a little guilty about this but it’s the only way we could make it all possible! In return they will receive a box filled with products, tips and thought-provoking items in order to tackle those ‘darkspots’ and mental road blocks. So I guess you could call this a PLUG but there had to be a mention of this in here somewhere, a cold exit is never a positive one.

Check out the site here at www.darkspots.co.uk – Happy viewing!

Now as an OCD thing I always like to be the one who finishes the conversation, a huge amount of guilt is felt otherwise. Which only means that leaving this behind and finding a definite way to end is even more procrastination filled. Getting myself together and building up the courage to stop was more difficult than planned, filling the hole of writing this every Sunday will for at least a while haunt me.

Farewell and a final thank you 🙂 x

img_0062-4Darkspots Social Media

Advertisements

Read Me and Don’t Ignore :'(

Facebook algorithms trying to pick up on harmful depressing habits, fake disconnected messages from ‘friends’ asking if you’re OK only to never be truly acknowledged are all well and rosy but where’s the feeling, the real immersed experience and raw emotion? Someone who actually and yes I mean actually cares where are they at? Because right now all I want to do is screw up my duvet cover, cover my face and scream with every last vocal cord inside me.

Loneliness and maintaining friendships or even finding friends for that matter are so hard to come by it seems that if I actually went through my Facebook account and deleted all of the people I haven’t spoken to in the last 6 months there would be about exactly 0 shown next to the little ‘friends’ icon. Now yes I guess this is a cry for help because every single person who suffers the same fate knows exactly how this feels, not having really anyone to turn to, having family think you’re suffering and being portrayed by every other soul as weak or told to just ‘harden up a bit’.

How about, no?

Actually that’s not a question it should be a statement. How about, no!

Individuals may argue that we live in a feminine world where emotions, fashion, looks and mannerisms are becoming too dominant but I for one completely and truly disagree. After leaving education where your mind and body is surrounded by others non-stop, with the same old dramas of relationships and struggling to decipher what it is we should do with our lives, with this all being acted out in front of our very eyes. Social media making us hungry to know who went on to become the next big popular party animal at university or how the perfect couple are still together taking endless selfies of their latest break to Iceland, leaving only I, you and us to figure out the realities of all of this.

Sure there have been bright moments but these are only later foreshadowed by the dark looms of unhappiness and feeling unwanted by the world. Celebrities and public figures throwing their thoughts in, under-funded and left without a voice or vocal to speak for us. Becoming as fashionable as a pooch dragged along in a somewhat oversized handbag, to be popular is good but to be misinterpreted and badly portrayed is in fact the opposite, give me a voice, give me a purpose or just throw me away and write me off as another unpaid volunteer.

And so this is my scream, my unheard shout into the duvet cover for help. Let us be happy again, give us faith and a friend yet we don’t need hand holding nor a forceful dosage of medication instead fill our wants and satisfy our needs, let us be happy again.

Having read this back to my untamed mind I now feel as though I am ready to begin or continue on this pathway, this plea to be heard, noticed and paid attention to once more. My mind now has unloaded and de-clouded I feel as though for now at least I can breathe once more.

:’)

img_0062-4

Inside Da Vinci’s Mind

Some events in our lives define a mood, a time period or even influence/change who we are as a person. It’s these events that are toxic and almost explosive, just touching on this gives me goosebumps, all those ‘fake people’ and ’empty life forms’ you came across having only negative implications on your life. Most of the time unintentional, completely unplanned only leaving room for more knives to be stuck in whilst in their presence, be it digital, be it real the true extent is never at first know.

Experience is the key, in the eyes, in the blank unwilling reply to a conversation after all no one but that being knows the thoughts rushing through their mind. Slowly but surely we lose faith in humans as a species, seeing so many ‘perfect’ relationships on our digital feed only allows our minds to think that we are not. That no friendship or love has it’s downsides with arguments, fighting and ever so small disagreements, maybe if we created an honest view of our lives then so many minds wouldn’t feel as though they are alone, in feeling left out or friend-less. Upon this a view should be taken for our well-being, for our minds to put to rest all the anxiety that social butterflies and extroverts have caused, a picture only paints a snapshot of the moment. Did Mona Lisa always look so still and effortless? Was Da Vinci only painting his perception? For all we know Lisa could have been a dark force to be beckoned with, making others feel her confident wraith as she married with 5 children at such a young age giving all to a cloth merchant.

Famous faces only give the positive story, most of the time this is to portray a strong message to their fans and that they don’t want others to see them crumble. Not always the fault of their own, attacks from the media and bad press received can blacken a name, painting an alternative picture to that of the truth. With honest news and messages becoming seemingly hard to come across this only dampens the stigma and social acceptance of mental health issues and how emotionally we are all different. Caring for minds is like holding a beating heart in your very hands, if left alone it will continue to beat but throw a complication to the system and starve it of oxygen suddenly it becomes broken and begins to feel at half battery power once again. The right conditions, the almost niche environment and the select social few can change the tone, with their power comes a responsibility. Speaking only words yet transforming and ridding the mind of dark clouds feeling awake once more to the reform of reality and growing ever stronger in society until another day.

Off loading many of these stimulating thoughts all into one, take from it a mind filled with strength and education. Yet this is not a test to see who will pass and those that will fail, just instilling this thought and being mindful of others should do the trick. Wearing an honest smile only when feeling as though today the sun is shining, allowing the fake abnormalities of social surroundings to be fluid and instead felt as raw, organic truths.

 

img_0062-4

Goodbye World, Hello Me

Please do not be alarmed, but contemplating life and saying goodbye every now and again is actually helpful. Is it not? I’m sure somehow this can be related to, OK  it doesn’t have to be as exact as that but it’s all a part of life or at least that’s what I’m trying to reassure myself of. After all chances are that if one or more other people (that aren’t family) share the same view then it sort of feels acceptable, or enough that it won’t drive you to insanity.

So I guess in this post what I’m trying to establish is that, sharing or relating to something actually gives us a buzz that makes us feel as though we’re accepted, right or a part of society. Take for example the USA (controversial) presidential election, so we all by now know who won *cough*Trump*cough*, perhaps not the most well taken outcome but in that scenario where all the Trump supporters or just standers by went to rallies and listened. To an extent they were influenced, made to think that what they heard was the morally right way forward and so on 8th November they turned out voted and well we all know the result. The point I’m making is that this week I read a proposed scientific fact that the more time you spend with friends/people you actually start to pick up habits and see things from their point of view, so while all the torn voters were still deciding he was implementing little points in others minds and I guess this is what swayed the end result because those 46.9% who didn’t vote were screaming for an alternative that they never got!

Sadly democracy and not opinion rules. Maybe this could be the future, instead of the restricted tick box choice?

On another personal note, this week I opened some socks that I had last Christmas. A short note that this year if anyone dares buy me socks that aren’t Versace or fluffy with a bow please don’t! This isn’t me being ungrateful but seriously there are definitely others out there that need cheap socks more than I do, so this Christmas I may even do a spot of cheeky re-gifting not telling anyone of course. Please don’t be influenced too much by my choices this is not advisory, unless you want to be Scrooge McDuck.

Quack!

 

LIAM OUT!

P.s. New socks are still comfy #SockGame

 

 

People

Every now and again I’m sure everyone must experience this feeling, emotion or thought because why else would I share this with anyone else. Surely every person has thought about killing someone now and again, does that make you a killer? No. What it does mean is that you don’t fully experience that emotion or have that radicalised alibi to carry out such an act because it is morally, socially and wholly wrong. Isn’t it sad that people should get to the point of hatred, loss of faith or utter anguish that they believe killing is the way to express this feeling?

Just some food for thought.

More positively speaking people are social beings and that’s just how we survive because after all who ever conquered anything alone, sure it may have been the individual who had the idea but when you think about it, it’s the environment that forced them to conjure up such a plan. So growing up in a broken place, being told no and never getting that break isn’t always a bad thing, for me I feel as though this should be something to shout and scream about because then at least you have a driving factor to influence those below you and aim higher than those above. Of course this is all metaphorically speaking, but society has given us this structure and we can’t exactly choose where we get placed, but we can decide where we go from here.

Wow that got deep.

Thinking about it though, people are great! Not all of them are so productive however the ones that are can influence even the smallest of others. I guess the message I’m trying to get across here is that thinking about it some of us do things without reason or cause to do so, often unnoticed but definitely having a key influence on others lives. A more personal experience now, there’s this person that I’ve never ever spoken to (yet), they get my early morning  train every day but so far they have already made me smile just their kind face and who they are was enough to influence this feeling, fucking crazy yet so helpful to just make me feel that little but better about myself. Maybe tomorrow I’ll hit them up with a cheeky one-line ‘alright’ or ‘after you’ *person steps off train*. I guess it doesn’t exactly matter, on the contrary most friendships start out this way, here’s to hoping!

Overall this week has been a good one, it’s now nearing to Christmas as we actually made it into November! Don’t worry I’m not one of those people who preaches Christmas at the first sight of tinsel, no way. Now I’m ‘all grown-up’ *he says loosely* I actually feel as though the sparkle has gone, the only part about it I am looking forward to is the food and getting to spend time at home with so many boxes of free chocolate in the house. BRING ON THE CHRISTMAS FOOD BABY (casually followed by many new year gym sessions, just so I don’t feel as guilty). Other than mollycoddling over what I’ll be getting people for Christmas here’s to another freezing cold, slightly productive yet positive week!

Bring on the icy cold, slightly numb feeling!

 

LIAM OUT!

 

What Are We Looking At?

What are we looking at?

Honestly what are we all interested in that is so appealing about how others look, what they’re interested in, likes or dislikes they may have and everything that makes them unique. We all silently or even sometimes more openly do it, so why is it so important that we comment on what we think. Maybe it’s do with our built-in social nature that we try to judge whether some is suitable enough to talk with or if they meet our expectations of ‘normality’. It’s nice to think that we’re noticed and seen, but how are we to know that secretly someone else is slating us and making us out to be something we most definitely are not?

It all comes back to the line ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ which is true, but it doesn’t mean that it won’t happen because it just is society, a feature that’s within our means and without this pre-judgement and quick look up and down we become disconnected as humans, too afraid that we’re staring or being nosy but maybe this is what we need more of? In no way am I suggesting that we should go around eyeing up every individual deciding whether, they’re ‘cool’ or worthy of being an almost decent human being however what I am saying is that if we just took a little more notice and actually cared for complete strangers then some of the most devastatingly blatant problems could be avoided. Obviously it’s easy to spot when someone is physically ill or looks a little under the weather, what about if someone was feeling low or secluded? Is that as easy to notice? Probably not! Being singled out and made to feel as though this hasn’t been picked upon is even worse. It can be strange how the smallest of words can alter this mood or feeling, talking from personal experiences here, try it – giving a short complement to someone you come into contact with. Evidently not everyone relies on this mantra, because lets face it there are individuals who don’t need it, who are too egotistic to even realise that others exist on this planet, but still a little acknowledgement wouldn’t go a miss.

For me this week it was high and low central, there were many moments that just left me feeling reclusive and defective to the world on the other hand I did actually get up to some pretty eventful things which actually made me feel a lot better. It’s safe to say I’m ending the week on a kind of high (It’s Monday tomorrow, not everything is bright and rosy).

In a little more detail the lows, were so bad in fact I feel almost shit writing about them now because they’re devastatingly horrific. I don’t fully want to go into great depth because I want to say that it’s over (for now) but this probably isn’t going to stay this way. No one and I mean everyone can be on a constant high, even the meth addicts have to come off drugs sometime *rolls eyes at attempted joke*. Come downs are sad and being there is the reason why I started this blog so perhaps something good did come from experiencing this drowning, lonely emotion (totally debatable of course).

Apologies for the lack of substance and meaning in this post, I really for once am not in the mood but then aside from this I don’t know what I’m going to do for the rest of today… Thinking sounds good, thinking about where I am, where I’m headed and then how much I over think this very situation every time. It’s not that I am not excited for the future it’s just finding out what that will be and getting there!

Enjoy the coming week, there is hope and try not to put yourself in situations where it’s inevitable that you’ll feel low. At least I’ll try to achieve this!

 

LIAM OUT!


Liam Thompson - liam.thompson123@hotmail.com - @Sup_Liam

 

The (Erotic) Girl on the Train

Inspiration this week was drawn from the strangest events, perhaps even the most insignificant but meaningful ones. But despite the titling I can confirm that the erotic girl on the train was definitely not something I enjoyed. Here it goes… Picture it as Friday 21st October and I was on my usual very (emphasis on the very) crowded train home it was 5:36 that it all began. Me feeling tired, sleepy and a bunch of other shitty emotions but that’s not the focus here. As I did my usual walk-run from work to the train station just so I could at least have some standing space when I got on was something dreams were made of. Sadly to my usual discontentment I was stood in a pretty awkward position just praying that the train would leave on time and any unnecessary personal space invasive conversations were not started.

A few minutes before we were due to leave things got very close and I was pretty much struggling to find some space to ‘inadvertently’ fall asleep whilst stood up. A side note here before you ask, yes I do this pretty often call it resting my eyes or whatever you want but it actually feels so good after work. Back on ‘track’ anyway *tries to take credit for unplanned train based pun*, so a group of teenage/young adult girls came onto the train specifically my carriage they were stereotypically talking about makeup with one giving advice to the other two about what products she used… I won’t go on. Followed by the girls getting on another three or four people joined the carriage, at this point my sleeping and trying not to draw attention was completely off the cards, all of us now like sardines in a can with very little space to even reach my hands and rest them in my coat pockets. If ever there was a hashtag for this moment it would definitely be #AWKWARD, capital letters, bold, underline!

The train was going now, doors closed and one of the three girls was stood with her back to me, very close (maybe a little too much). Anyway during the ten or so minutes that I was on the train this girl was definitely enjoying herself, a little too much! I’m not sure that she meant it or was doing it intentionally but every time there was a jolt or even the slightest movement from the train it would be followed by a cheeky touching of my leg which was definitely not expected on a Friday evening, was it my closed eyes that caught her attention? Did she genuinely think I was asleep and that I wouldn’t notice? Who knows? All I can say is, I’m glad that she enjoyed herself and for my sake that it is now over and I’ll probably never see her again.

Shame really :/

On another note I did for real go and see the ACTUAL girl on the train this week, Emily Blunt starred in this one before anyone questions are raised! This unlike my erotic version was intense on a different scale, well scripted and a lot more enjoyable. But that whole short-lived scenario made me think, why? Was she insecure, looking for attention or is this just how she behaved? To publicly do something like that and make me feel a little.. embarrassed, it’s disheartening and kind knocks my faith in humanity just a tad. But then I kind have to realise that this isn’t everyone and it’s just a small bad sample of society, seriously someone should show that girl some manners!

At least ask next time. Please.

Insecurities are painful, but we all have them in some way, shape or form whether you’re prepared to admit it or not. Talking about them and to an extent embracing them is helpful, this has definitely helped me along with many others in the past. Take some of the most iconic figures they all stood out and were different but they didn’t apologise or say ‘actually I am wrong’ because they knew that this wasn’t true and chances are others will always share the same thoughts. So this week and from now on being is what I shall be, in other words sorry but not sorry, I may apologise to some low indivduals for having a certain view, or doing a task in a specific way but not to the people that actually matter, that is what matters.

Take from this what you will, be that low individual or just open your mind and accept a difference of opinion.

And remember, watch out the erotic girl on the train is about!

 

LIAM OUT!

 

Social Media Disconnection

Past, present and future aside I guess this is where it gets real tough. So far I’ve tried to set out who I am, what I’ve been through and where I want to go, now for the more difficult part maintaining these thoughts and giving readers something worthwhile and enriching to read.

Let’s be honest and ask ourselves how much time do I have to spare today? Then question why you were drawn to reading this? Feel free to comment but that’s not important or what this is about; what I’m getting to is standing out and being different is actually so difficult. With the current 7 billion and upwards on the planet how are you as an individual supposed to even give this a shot?

Exactly.

However the world that many of us live in is actually pretty small, there’s probably if you’re like me about a handful of other individuals that I care about and rely upon. (With the exception of Kim Kardashian and every other lame celebrity that we are somehow interested in) These close others mean something to us but only because we have together shared some kind of experience or moment. It seems that childhood is just a forced experience, in school we’re all there to become ‘educated’ (supposedly) but socially this is also a big learning curve, with some of us falling and others rising to the top in the fight for dominance. As scary as this was, this is no way a true representation of the society that we really live in (sometimes referred to as the ‘living in the real world’). Moving on from that awkwardly deep procrastination, in blatant terms school ≠ life purely because it’s so forced and just means that failure is bound to happen. Maybe a more true model would be failure = life, but then moving on from this failure or ‘perceived’ failure is where things get interesting… The choice is yours!

Now for a more personal issue, a surprisingly sad and impacting event happened this week and well I guess it isn’t something that’s new to me or all that different from how my childhood was but I feel as though I should share it as there are definitely others that can relate. Welcome to 2016.

It was Wednesday evening and I was leaving for the gym (as I do pretty much every other dull Wednesday), already feeling a little tired at this point it must have been about 7pm. Gathering myself together and readying for physical exercise, which would definitely divide a group of teenagers think of it as pizza lovers vs healthy juicers. Anyway… it was part way through the car journey to the gym that this happened, setting the scene think dark sky, headlights, sitting behind the steering wheel, a popular radio station blasting. Then it struck me, remember at this moment in time that I was tired and exercise did not seem like a good first option, but I’m all for plan B’s, half way through my ride there I felt a little empty; lost and disoriented I reached down to do a double-check of my pocket, then the other. Confirmed! It wasn’t there! Do I turn home now to pick it up or do I prove to myself that actually I can cope without it?

If you hadn’t already guessed what this was I’d left my phone at HOME! (tragic)

The feeling in that moment was that I was so disconnected from the world, what if someone text or I was needed in an emergency, more importantly how was I going to ‘gym’ without it? Then after the initial ‘Shit it’s at home’ it crossed my mind that realistically this is so 100% sad and I can definitely cope without it? Surely? Concluding this borderline ‘story’ come desperate side note, I didn’t go home even though it was a close 50/50 split, instead I carried on, went to the gym and actually felt a little better for it. No lies it was pretty tense, with no earphone barrier to defend me from the dreaded protein heads, but happily this over-thought fantasy never surfaced and at most I was un-contactable for an hour at least (not that anyone entirely cared) :/.

Post phone-gate and failure = life, I feel as though it was a pretty ‘decent-ish’ week. Nothing too amazing happened there were anxiety filled moments but nothing that I totally couldn’t deal with.

*Prays to the well-being Gods for another livable week* 🙂

 

LIAM OUT!