I hate you. I love you. Right now I’m confused, lost and feeling slightly alone even though people surround me, they are my hatred as they play on my every emotion challenging my every belief. War against them yet a truce drawn up between us, together they have housed me, fed me and watched me grow into the person I have become. Contributing their every effort but never being able to tame the mind, to them I am a stray choosing to be alone and reclusive, not part-taking in all the shit they have to offer.
Maybe one. Maybe two. Smiles of greetings home, fake forced happiness and desire to be a part of something larger. Of course I speak of my parents, this household and the choking chains within it. Every cold and solid brick, the very external casing of this building sickening me only when I am with them, I think it’s time to get up and walk away. Debris of the ‘family’ evident in each soft plush rug and every disagreement over the smallest of wrong doings. A slave to their rules and expectations, this ‘home’ has become so frigid and within it I am fragile, it doesn’t know my thoughts and won’t allow my kind here.
Stuck. Stifled. Nouns that may be used to fill this home, all of them placed and forced into a shape that would allow only a member to feel their joy and embrace their solemn deceit. Perceptions to the outside that all is calm and rosy, happiness fills a home – I am told. These next few years to come will see us break, but then fall back together again.
Maybe one day in the not so near future I can look back at this all and call it a birthplace, a part of me and most definitely a home.
Asking myself, who are you? The constant chronicles of self reassessment and varying definitions of being me. Sometimes questioning whether that inner voice is the same person or is this just my instincts kicking in? When tasked with an over complicated situation I struggle to comprehend the easy way out, always a little difficult which is the social code for; awkward.
Awkward I have decided though is me. First and foremost this is my nature, never being able to see the obvious social solution, just keep smiling I decide. Looking vacant and half in the conversation, half out, still here but my mind occupied with the seven other scenarios I am desperately still trying to solve and so I quiz myself once more. This time disconnecting myself from me and the experience as though viewing life through a VR lens, as though there is an element that this isn’t real and as though just standing by will help me for one more second go unnoticed.
As I slip back from the virtual environment I realise actually I do know what to do and this time smiling is the answer, reassuring others that they too are being listened to. Even if my contribution is minimal or I look stupid, feeling embarrassed, there’s still the idea that the awkwardness is me.
Living in fear of saying and not doing for so long. Instead when feeling stuck and lost I look to myself in the mirror for help, reassurance that I exist and that what other people are seeing isn’t a fake irrelevant image of some alternate reality. One where a tragic emotionless society is born, now together we talk, relate and move things forward, a friendship is born then suddenly forever we are bonded. Until one ghosts the other or until I reassess another individual change and then we grow apart.
Once again left asking myself, who are you?
Here I am sat with my back firmly against the radiator, feeling ill and a tad sorry for myself whilst sipping Lemsip . Well you say Lemsip I say some cheap knock-off that probably has similar effects just without about 10 more teaspoons of sugar to promote the same feeling.
I guess we can brush that one aside.
In actual truth I feel so sick, probably trying to cover up that fact by calling it man flu or some other more viable excuse rather than just a bad cold. Honestly though, I don’t think I realised how bad it was going to be having to sit or being bed-ridden and feeling utterly worthless. However I won’t go on because who actually wants to know that I’m moaning and perhaps a little ill, not me for one that’s just going to inspire someone else to feel shit. That definitely not being my intention.
What being ‘under the weather’ has allowed me to do is reflect and eat a tonne of biscuits but we won’t expand on that subject (for now). Reflect on what actually matters to me, the flaws that I have and then anything else that falls under the category of self-loathing. For instance there’s the commonly asked question of ‘what am I doing with my life?’ still as of yet no definite answer but the first thought I guess is ‘I don’t even know anymore’. Maybe this is just the way my brain is programmed but because there have been no mark-able achievements of late and this week has been a bit of rainy cloud on a sunny day I say this to push myself further to the edge of ‘DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE!’ but miraculously every time not much results from this self detriment. Perhaps I take a different approach and instead focus on the positives so far and how they along with new skills and areas could help me to actually create a future that won’t ask me to question the value of my life?
Now being a year on (almost) since I took the dive and decided to focus my efforts on accountancy I almost feel as though I’m back to square one and more that the fact my life has done a complete cycle. Because still I am not entirely happy and want more. More? Yes I like the rest of the human population on the planet have wants, not necessarily needs, still there are events in my mind that need to happen in order for myself to feel content and as though I’ve achieved enough to be complete at least until the next insane thought comes around. So how do we resolve this, how do we become more content and happy with what we have? Initially my answer or resolution to these questions would be well we can’t it is just instinct isn’t it, on the other hand the other half of me thinks let’s blame this one on society, why not? Speaking more realistically, this should be a responsibility for each and every one of us to try to actually be content at least for a little while longer and then maybe we could extend the shelf life of our happiness? Should it at any moment become unbearable, to put it bluntly find an alternative and get out fast!
Concluding on a more positive one than I began, here’s to feeling better or at least not as low as this, here’s to the future whatever I decide that may be and here’s to the next packet of biscuits I intend to open immediately after the new full stop.
(Ginger nuts were the way forward)
Please do not be alarmed, but contemplating life and saying goodbye every now and again is actually helpful. Is it not? I’m sure somehow this can be related to, OK it doesn’t have to be as exact as that but it’s all a part of life or at least that’s what I’m trying to reassure myself of. After all chances are that if one or more other people (that aren’t family) share the same view then it sort of feels acceptable, or enough that it won’t drive you to insanity.
So I guess in this post what I’m trying to establish is that, sharing or relating to something actually gives us a buzz that makes us feel as though we’re accepted, right or a part of society. Take for example the USA (controversial) presidential election, so we all by now know who won *cough*Trump*cough*, perhaps not the most well taken outcome but in that scenario where all the Trump supporters or just standers by went to rallies and listened. To an extent they were influenced, made to think that what they heard was the morally right way forward and so on 8th November they turned out voted and well we all know the result. The point I’m making is that this week I read a proposed scientific fact that the more time you spend with friends/people you actually start to pick up habits and see things from their point of view, so while all the torn voters were still deciding he was implementing little points in others minds and I guess this is what swayed the end result because those 46.9% who didn’t vote were screaming for an alternative that they never got!
Sadly democracy and not opinion rules. Maybe this could be the future, instead of the restricted tick box choice?
On another personal note, this week I opened some socks that I had last Christmas. A short note that this year if anyone dares buy me socks that aren’t Versace or fluffy with a bow please don’t! This isn’t me being ungrateful but seriously there are definitely others out there that need cheap socks more than I do, so this Christmas I may even do a spot of cheeky re-gifting not telling anyone of course. Please don’t be influenced too much by my choices this is not advisory, unless you want to be Scrooge McDuck.
P.s. New socks are still comfy #SockGame
Every now and again I’m sure everyone must experience this feeling, emotion or thought because why else would I share this with anyone else. Surely every person has thought about killing someone now and again, does that make you a killer? No. What it does mean is that you don’t fully experience that emotion or have that radicalised alibi to carry out such an act because it is morally, socially and wholly wrong. Isn’t it sad that people should get to the point of hatred, loss of faith or utter anguish that they believe killing is the way to express this feeling?
Just some food for thought.
More positively speaking people are social beings and that’s just how we survive because after all who ever conquered anything alone, sure it may have been the individual who had the idea but when you think about it, it’s the environment that forced them to conjure up such a plan. So growing up in a broken place, being told no and never getting that break isn’t always a bad thing, for me I feel as though this should be something to shout and scream about because then at least you have a driving factor to influence those below you and aim higher than those above. Of course this is all metaphorically speaking, but society has given us this structure and we can’t exactly choose where we get placed, but we can decide where we go from here.
Wow that got deep.
Thinking about it though, people are great! Not all of them are so productive however the ones that are can influence even the smallest of others. I guess the message I’m trying to get across here is that thinking about it some of us do things without reason or cause to do so, often unnoticed but definitely having a key influence on others lives. A more personal experience now, there’s this person that I’ve never ever spoken to (yet), they get my early morning train every day but so far they have already made me smile just their kind face and who they are was enough to influence this feeling, fucking crazy yet so helpful to just make me feel that little but better about myself. Maybe tomorrow I’ll hit them up with a cheeky one-line ‘alright’ or ‘after you’ *person steps off train*. I guess it doesn’t exactly matter, on the contrary most friendships start out this way, here’s to hoping!
Overall this week has been a good one, it’s now nearing to Christmas as we actually made it into November! Don’t worry I’m not one of those people who preaches Christmas at the first sight of tinsel, no way. Now I’m ‘all grown-up’ *he says loosely* I actually feel as though the sparkle has gone, the only part about it I am looking forward to is the food and getting to spend time at home with so many boxes of free chocolate in the house. BRING ON THE CHRISTMAS FOOD BABY (casually followed by many new year gym sessions, just so I don’t feel as guilty). Other than mollycoddling over what I’ll be getting people for Christmas here’s to another freezing cold, slightly productive yet positive week!
Bring on the icy cold, slightly numb feeling!