Not My Final Post - For Now

I made a promise, I stuck to it.

At least 6 months on since I began this blog and now it seems the times they have changed, that space that once wasn’t so occupied became occupied. For anyone that cared, paid attention or even allowed me to help them I am grateful, for now perhaps temporary positive spirits have arisen, progression has happened and as a person I feel more aware and alert of the struggles, along with the inconveniences that we as an imperfect race have to deal with.

Many moments and reactions have made me smile, feeling loved and not alone, even though at first the search for attention was difficult to find but I’ll definitely always rely upon bloggers for the sometimes niche emotions that are felt. Popularity was never something I sought just to voice and hone my feelings into small written chunks has been enough. This isn’t an eternal end to ‘What Are You Looking At?’ And most definitely isn’t the last thing I will ever write or allow to be felt, the message will as always be the same to push aside doubts, negative opinion, radical thoughts and ask them why is it they are staring so plainly into your mind?

I imagine that this post is likely to be for me a dark cloud clearing way for the sun to shine. However, this will not forever be the case and there will come days, moments and minutes where dark castings of thunder fill the sky, desperately trying to remember that the rain can pour coming with it darkness yet there will always be a bright and open one just beyond the skyline.

Now I shall say one final thank you and temporary good-bye.

Before I do, one final bombshell and hopefully listened to thought!

My main focus from now on will be in short ‘Darkspots’ which only leads to now more puzzled looks, an explanation here is needed. Darkspots is purely my creation an offering to the world aiming to tackle mental health issues, approaching wellbeing and attitude from a different angle. Essentially there be will be blog posts on the site for everyone to see with the main event currently being a monthly subscription service. For the cost of just £10 a month subscribers will of course part with their all important payment information… still feel a little guilty about this but it’s the only way we could make it all possible! In return they will receive a box filled with products, tips and thought-provoking items in order to tackle those ‘darkspots’ and mental road blocks. So I guess you could call this a PLUG but there had to be a mention of this in here somewhere, a cold exit is never a positive one.

Check out the site here at www.darkspots.co.uk – Happy viewing!

Now as an OCD thing I always like to be the one who finishes the conversation, a huge amount of guilt is felt otherwise. Which only means that leaving this behind and finding a definite way to end is even more procrastination filled. Getting myself together and building up the courage to stop was more difficult than planned, filling the hole of writing this every Sunday will for at least a while haunt me.

Farewell and a final thank you 🙂 x

Read Me and Don’t Ignore :'(

Facebook algorithms trying to pick up on harmful depressing habits, fake disconnected messages from ‘friends’ asking if you’re OK only to never be truly acknowledged are all well and rosy but where’s the feeling, the real immersed experience and raw emotion? Someone who actually and yes I mean actually cares where are they at? Because right now all I want to do is screw up my duvet cover, cover my face and scream with every last vocal cord inside me.

Loneliness and maintaining friendships or even finding friends for that matter are so hard to come by it seems that if I actually went through my Facebook account and deleted all of the people I haven’t spoken to in the last 6 months there would be about exactly 0 shown next to the little ‘friends’ icon. Now yes I guess this is a cry for help because every single person who suffers the same fate knows exactly how this feels, not having really anyone to turn to, having family think you’re suffering and being portrayed by every other soul as weak or told to just ‘harden up a bit’.

How about, no?

Actually that’s not a question it should be a statement. How about, no!

Individuals may argue that we live in a feminine world where emotions, fashion, looks and mannerisms are becoming too dominant but I for one completely and truly disagree. After leaving education where your mind and body is surrounded by others non-stop, with the same old dramas of relationships and struggling to decipher what it is we should do with our lives, with this all being acted out in front of our very eyes. Social media making us hungry to know who went on to become the next big popular party animal at university or how the perfect couple are still together taking endless selfies of their latest break to Iceland, leaving only I, you and us to figure out the realities of all of this.

Sure there have been bright moments but these are only later foreshadowed by the dark looms of unhappiness and feeling unwanted by the world. Celebrities and public figures throwing their thoughts in, under-funded and left without a voice or vocal to speak for us. Becoming as fashionable as a pooch dragged along in a somewhat oversized handbag, to be popular is good but to be misinterpreted and badly portrayed is in fact the opposite, give me a voice, give me a purpose or just throw me away and write me off as another unpaid volunteer.

And so this is my scream, my unheard shout into the duvet cover for help. Let us be happy again, give us faith and a friend yet we don’t need hand holding nor a forceful dosage of medication instead fill our wants and satisfy our needs, let us be happy again.

Having read this back to my untamed mind I now feel as though I am ready to begin or continue on this pathway, this plea to be heard, noticed and paid attention to once more. My mind now has unloaded and de-clouded I feel as though for now at least I can breathe once more.

:’)

Solo Warriors

Fists clenched, nails torn. Just another day gone by where feeling cheated and ripped in two are the norm. Anxiety.

They call me social recluse, they call me introvert yet they never think to take one look beyond this dark and plain book cover. Read the content,  to fathom whether or not my story line has any meaning or if I can be the next popular best seller. Thrown back on the pile, left for the next to try until finally I lose faith. Become a solo warrior. Lone or not they will see me rise.

Taking on this world with no immediate person to call upon for help. I am solo warrior. Every last millimeter of me now swollen, hairs stood on end with a solemn shiver down the spine. Fire in the eyes, anxiety in my heart with fingers ready to let out spurs of pure explosion. This feeling is all too familiar, my cheeks burn rosy red but embarrassed I am not. Looking around everyone else is, looking right through I don’t give a fuck. Middle finger, anxiety. Middle finger, pain. Not today my too familiar enemy.

Please.

Honestly just a stroll down the street now haunts me. Nails and finger fumbling are my strategy discreetly hoping that they are unnoticed, I see others share the same and immediately I am filled with hope and belonging. Here I am welcome and can now be myself. Alone no more, surrounded by stress and worry together we conquer.

A gathering of solo warriors now becomes a team, staring the anguish in its eyes. This time, introverts sit together perhaps alone on the sofa but always drawn together. A cup of freshly dripped tea in hand with just one thing missing. A friend.

What Are We Looking At?

What are we looking at?

Honestly what are we all interested in that is so appealing about how others look, what they’re interested in, likes or dislikes they may have and everything that makes them unique. We all silently or even sometimes more openly do it, so why is it so important that we comment on what we think. Maybe it’s do with our built-in social nature that we try to judge whether some is suitable enough to talk with or if they meet our expectations of ‘normality’. It’s nice to think that we’re noticed and seen, but how are we to know that secretly someone else is slating us and making us out to be something we most definitely are not?

It all comes back to the line ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ which is true, but it doesn’t mean that it won’t happen because it just is society, a feature that’s within our means and without this pre-judgement and quick look up and down we become disconnected as humans, too afraid that we’re staring or being nosy but maybe this is what we need more of? In no way am I suggesting that we should go around eyeing up every individual deciding whether, they’re ‘cool’ or worthy of being an almost decent human being however what I am saying is that if we just took a little more notice and actually cared for complete strangers then some of the most devastatingly blatant problems could be avoided. Obviously it’s easy to spot when someone is physically ill or looks a little under the weather, what about if someone was feeling low or secluded? Is that as easy to notice? Probably not! Being singled out and made to feel as though this hasn’t been picked upon is even worse. It can be strange how the smallest of words can alter this mood or feeling, talking from personal experiences here, try it – giving a short complement to someone you come into contact with. Evidently not everyone relies on this mantra, because lets face it there are individuals who don’t need it, who are too egotistic to even realise that others exist on this planet, but still a little acknowledgement wouldn’t go a miss.

For me this week it was high and low central, there were many moments that just left me feeling reclusive and defective to the world on the other hand I did actually get up to some pretty eventful things which actually made me feel a lot better. It’s safe to say I’m ending the week on a kind of high (It’s Monday tomorrow, not everything is bright and rosy).

In a little more detail the lows, were so bad in fact I feel almost shit writing about them now because they’re devastatingly horrific. I don’t fully want to go into great depth because I want to say that it’s over (for now) but this probably isn’t going to stay this way. No one and I mean everyone can be on a constant high, even the meth addicts have to come off drugs sometime *rolls eyes at attempted joke*. Come downs are sad and being there is the reason why I started this blog so perhaps something good did come from experiencing this drowning, lonely emotion (totally debatable of course).

Apologies for the lack of substance and meaning in this post, I really for once am not in the mood but then aside from this I don’t know what I’m going to do for the rest of today… Thinking sounds good, thinking about where I am, where I’m headed and then how much I over think this very situation every time. It’s not that I am not excited for the future it’s just finding out what that will be and getting there!

Enjoy the coming week, there is hope and try not to put yourself in situations where it’s inevitable that you’ll feel low. At least I’ll try to achieve this!

 

LIAM OUT!

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Liam Thompson - liam.thompson123@hotmail.com - @Sup_Liam